75 thoughts while running a half marathon

1. It isn’t even 7 am. Not only am I awake, I’m about to run a race.
2. Remind why I wanted to do this.
3. How fast are the people who start in corral 1?
4. And now we shuffle forward and wait.
5. And now we’re being lapped by the first few corrals.
6. We’re at the start line. Must. Not. Vomit.
7. The countdown is just making the anxiety worse. Please stop.
8. And we’re off.
9. Running with fast people with really help me get a good pace.
10. The guy who said the first four miles were downhill lied.
11. The people holding these signs need to up their game.
12. Perhaps I should’ve grabbed a bottle of water.
13. Cotton mouth while running might be worse than getting blisters.
14. Hmm, who gets to be my lucky pace buddy?
15. They don’t even have to know about it.
16. Is that creepy? That I just randomly decide to run along and keep people in my sights?
17. But really, that guy lied. Hills everywhere.
18. Did those two ladies really just turn off the course to go to McDonalds?
19. I can only hope they’re going to pee.
20. Water station. Thank the Good Lord above.
21. Music Row. The studios should list their stars out front, so we know what’s up.
22. Sports bean time. Noms.
23. Running / walking while eating is hard.
24. How refreshing. Another hill.
25. Whoot. Alpha Gams cheering me on!
26. Are these people really tailgating?
27. Clearly, I chose the wrong race option.
28. I’m going to find the “downhill for four miles” guy and punch him in the throat.
29. Ooh, Gatorade. Time to mix it up.
30. Lemon lime. Not my first choice.
31. Nice. Already four miles in.
32. This part of the course is kind of sketchy.
33. We’re really just running through a neighborhood.
34. It’s a good excuse for these folks to sleep in.
35. “Sorry, I can’t go. The race has me home bound until noon.”
36. Or “We’re stuck at home. Might as well drink.”
37. Thanks for the sign reminding I paid for this, random stranger.
38. I could’ve saved myself the effort and just made a donation to St. Jude.
39. And here’s the token “easy like your mom” sign.
40. Not to complain, but would it kill someone to bust out the fruit punch Gatorade?
41. Lemon lime can suck it.
42. What the hell is a twerk team?
43. Bitch, get out of the road.
44. If you don’t move, you’re getting the Dan Uggla treatment.
45. The race needs course monitors like golf tournaments. Or just to blast a certain Ludacris song.
46. Water, where is the water?
47. I feel like the Ancient Mariner.
48. Oh, you’re out. That’s cool. Not.
49. No offense to the volunteers who set up their own water stations, but you’re a tease.
50. The 3 hour pace team took 9 miles to pass me.
51. Not too shabby.
52. Does this course ever end?
53. I am truly impressed by the people who are taking phone pics and running. Talent.
54. And I just got passed by a blind guy and his guides. I ain’t even mad. That is impressive.
55. What should I eat as my post race meal?
56. The sports beans are surprisingly effective. I’m not hungry.
57. Hunger is coming in second to my overwhelming desire to sit down.
58. I can make a killer playlist.
59. This orange is manna from Heaven.
60. Even if the guy who gave it to wasn’t wearing gloves.
61. AVOID BARE HAND CONTACT, PEOPLE.
62. And now I have pulp in my teeth.
63. If I have to run up that freaking Everest hill, I will stop right now. No way, no how.
64. Where the hell is the mile 12 marker?
65. But really, how close am I to the finish?
66. Lady, you lied like a cheap rug about having one hill left.
67. Oh, we just have to cross this bridge?
68. I guess I can run the rest of the way to the finish.
69. Closing out this race to “Freebird” might be the most clutch song choice ever.
70. Downhill. Whooo.
71. Running isn’t too bad when you can’t feel your legs.
72. Nothing like running to cross the finish line.
73. I’m done. Finally.
74. I’m still alive.
75. I am never doing this again.